Homesick at home?

Three days this week I´ve been waking up feeling im not done sleeping yet. With feeling horror of needing to leave my bed.
Today I actually woke up happy to be awake. Strange.. but nice.
My second cousin once said that it was so weird that he always went to bed not feeling tired at all, but woke up more tired then he was the day before. And really.. what´s the point of sleeping if you only get tired?
When I went down to the coffee house today I realized that it´s just two weeks until I go out travelling again, or go on vacation. And it is scary...
I know I should be lucky and jump up and down. But this time I really enjoy myself and my life back home. So what´s the point of running away for a month then?
I said once before that my Gothenburg has gotten smaller by the years. It 's basicly my job, and the coffe house. A small bit of a whole city. But such a good little bit though. It´s gonna be nice to come to Thailand again. But this time I´m leaving a home I actually gonna miss. A home I really enjoy.
But on the other hand,, if the answer to the everyday question "How are you" is "Good, but tired".. Maybe it´s the sun calling for you.
It´s just a month and home is gonna be here when I get back.
I am Charlie. I am the boy who is feeling homesick before leaving my home. I am Charlies neurotic head.

A room with a view

From my window I can look out over the rooftops of Gothenburg. Look out on the city I both love and adore. It´s a good view, a nice view. It´s the view I´ve always wanted to have. I love my city and love looking out on it.. but still... I never walk it.
My neurotic feelings and way of life have made my Gothenburg small. Basicly to one street and a coffee shop. I need to make a change in my life. I need to change something.
A few days ago I went home witth this guy.A nice guy.. And all we did was talk. We talked and we spooned. I loved that. And it made me realize that there´s so many things in life I actually miss.
I needed to change my life. I needed to go outside my street and find another coffee shop.
I cleaned my apartment.
I cleaned up my home, I bought a new shampoo and I started to brush my teeth three times a day. It´s not much but it is a beginning.
So now I´m sitting here witht a clean beginning and clean white teeth, looking out on my city, wondering when I´m actually will walk my hometown.
Maybe tomorrow.. maybe never.
I´ts just me. I´ts just me in a room with a view.
Remember,, to look is a passive way of doing stuff. I am Charlie. I am the lazy bitch who wants something more.

Were the world mine

When I was younger everything was so much easier. Going to the summer house in the summer doing nothing but play with my friends, laying on the beach thinking nothing of school. You were the hero of your own fantasies.
Then the fall came and school started again. And the most exciting thing was to see how everybody had changed during the summer. Of course nothing much had happend. But still.. the excitement to see your friends in school again was like opening the latest edition of Hello Magazine.
Now it´s not like that anymore. Everything is choices. You have to choose..
What to do during the summer. Do you want to travel? Do you want to stay at your work? Do you want to do a 180 and change your life by go all the way down to Oz?
Everything is a choice and the desicion you make will have such a big impact on your life it´s hard to even come up with an idea. I´m stuck in Limbo.
If the world were mine i would make it easier.
At this point I dont know wether I want to grow up and stay in my co-op apartment, building me a home with my safe job and my safe place with my safe friends or if I just want to go out in the world again and never look back.
Im tired. Im tired of all the choices, of not sleeping enough. Of sleeping too much. Im tired of not knowing if Im making the right desicions.

Were the world mine I would change my name. I would live in a city where the choices were easy. I would be my own amazing fantasy.
I would be the hero of my life. Life is a tricky buisness and to fall is the only way to get back up again.
Were the world mine I would still be me. I am Charlie. I am the sleeping urg waiting to wake up.

Summer and a hang over.

It´s in the middle of the summer and the wind is blowing like a mad man!
I can honestly count the days this summer I´ve been out in the sun. Even though a great summer as it´s been.
My black hole is behind me and everything is looking up. Of course I still have some bumps in the road to deal with. But who wants to bother anymore.
What I realized the last couple of days is that it´s a lot easier to dig in to work than to actually think about doing something with your life.
So what am I going to do..
I´m going to work my ass of, sit at Doppio thinking about simple things and maybe, just maybe...
Maybe sometime in the fall I will have the time and money to runaway a little bit again. Home is starting to feel a bit small and useless.
Home is feeling a bit weird and unnecisarry. Let´s all get out and get a briliant hang over.

I am charlie. I dont get it! At all..

Midsummer

It hurts to be alone.
Sometimes you dont realize it.
Sometimes you just block it out. But it does. It hurts. It´s that feeling who tells you it´shard to get up in the morning, who makes you feel tired in the middle of the day. It´s that feeling who makes you feel lost without even notice it.

Tomorrow´s midsummer and I dont even know how to celebrate it. It´s been a long way home and finally I´m actually home. I have my job back. My apartment. But why does it feel like it doesn´t matter?
I think I lost myself somewhere. I never had any problems with being on my own. Always liked to have my own time and myself to take care of.

It hurts to be alone. And I dont even know why I feel it.

I am Charlie. I am the circle that doesn´t lead anywhere. I am happy in every fucking aspect you can ever imagine. This is the dark side of a happy smile. I am me.

Comunication

There´s a small little café in Gothenburg called Doppio..
There is were I find myself sitting the most days of my life at home. It feels safe. It´s like Switzerland. It´s neutreal.
I feel a little bit lost and then it´s nice to be somewhere that feels like home. But I think everything is going the right way. When I came home I felt I was gliding down in a big black hole. I´m still there.
I was in Thailand a few yeasrs ago and was living in a bungalow up in the trees. In the middle of the night I woke up by a weird sound. There was a scratching sound on the roof like claws trying to get a grip. Then something that sounded like a really horny cat, really loud. Meeeaaaooooow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Probably a monkey but I could hear it go down, down and then it was quiet.
Going down my black hole I felt like the monkey.. I was the monkey.
But like Curious George I´m climbing my way back up again. One dirty hand at the time.

One of my biggest issues right now is peoples lack of comunication. What the fuck is wrong with people?!
Two of my friends got dumped during this year. With no warning, after having a perfectly good relationship. You dont tell someone how much you love them, how you want to meet their mother and then sneak in to the apartment the day after grabbing your stuff and text your boyfriend Hasta la vista baby it´s over.
You dont crawl up in the sofa, have a cozy night home and at the end of the night tell her you dont love her anymore.
What´s wrong with saying I´m not sure about this can we take a break? Or, I´m having second thoughts about this, in a good situation. What´s wrong with talking about stuff?
When something irritates me I at least text people asking what´s wrong. Have a little heart and answer for god sakes!
And if you´re having problems with comunicating your feelings and do break up with the one you apparently didn´t love. Why do you start comunicate after the break up?
Make up your fucking mind! It´s a war.

Maybe I´m not ready to come out of my hole yet. Maybe I should stay down here a bit and just breath.
I am Charlie. This is my hole, and I´m starting to love it. It´s summer in Charlieland.
Come join the evolution! Stop being stupid!

I want my life back

All the glorious emotions I felt when I came back home and all the joy I felt in sitting on safe ground suddenly disappeared under my feet.
It´s not that anything actually have changed in my beatutiful hometown. It´s more the feeling of not being a part of it.
Since I came home nothing that I´ve done has been the home that I knew. My worries of working, stressing out and sleeping. None of those things are the stuff you really want to do when you just got back from a half a year trip.
I want to meet friends, sit in cafés talking shit about Lindsey Lohan and drink beer with my flatmates late into the night bragging about who has seen the biggest penis yet.
I´m not there yet. I don´t have an apartment. I don´t have any money.
I don´t have a reason to be here.
Someone once wrote:
"To come home should be a schlager, but maybe home can never be a place as long as you are alone, maybe in the end home is a person who makes you beautiful, who you can and want to make beautiful..."
I am beautiful. I am alone.
Where do I lay my hat at the end of my day?

Nothing in school prepared me for these kinds of questions. Nothing in my life so far has taught me how to handle a sitiuation of confusion like this.
I know how to talk to a drunk person while pouring up a dry Martini, how to remember a whole manuscript and the basics in ballet.
But my own neurotic feelings and emotions?
Anxiety is not a good feeling. I dont even know if it is a feeling.
Are you scared? I am scared.. If I sound a bit confused? Yes! I am a little bit confused!
Life is a tricky buisness. I had a life in Gothenburg. I want it back!

This is my Gothenburg! Remember.. I am Charlie. Welcome to my brain.