A pot of rice and a smile on your face

We arrived in Brisbane tired and broke.
Byron bay was amazing. We ended up on a farm picking macadamia nuts for accommodation. For those who have done that you know it’s not really a fun job crawling around on the ground in the sun scared of snakes and spiders. But with a little bit of luck we didn’t have to do that for to many hours a day. It was boring as hell out on the farm but I can say that it was a beautiful place to take it easy on. But seriously…
After three days with no internet, no tv, no people, no store, no nothing not even a little red ball to play with you start to go a little bit insane. I’m obviously not a farmer!
And how desperate are we? We walked two hours on the highway just to get a cup of coffee in Byron bay. Then walked back when the sun went down. Again very beautiful… But have you ever felt that fear when the heart stops beating and you can feel a little bit of poo in your pants? When tears start to come and prairie dogging is the least of your problems?
I’ve seen the biggest spider in my life! And a lot of them! Don’t walk near bushes in the outback evening time in Australia! It was the size of a walnut and with legs like baby fingers. And that’s not even really the outback by the way. Can’t imagine what creatures I would see there.
I can still hear the screaming late at night when I’m laying in bed.
Because of our money situation we can’t afford the best food. We can’t afford anything really. So we eat like one cup of rice with soy and maybe some tuna a day. If I’m not thin and fit when I go home I’m going to get fat instead!

Today I and Anna split up. Felt weird. She got a job as an apple picking person. Apparently guys are less desirable right now so Danny and I are going to wait here for a job. Changing travel partner in the middle of the trip feels strange. I don’t think either of us really expected that.
I’m really in a good mood. Finally I don’t really care if I have to go home. And I’ve had so much fun on this trip. It’s a good feeling when you feel like you’ve grown during being away from home. When you realize you love the city you live in and that it’s time to actually start to build yourself a home.
I’m ready for anything right now except studying. Because I don’t know what to study. But I’m ready!

Don’t let the man get you down!
I am Charlie’s beautiful body in a boring city. I am ready!

Walkabout

It's a walk...
It's a gay walk that's longer than 10 km. In the middle of the day we decided to walk to Kings beach in Byron bay. As Lonely planet said... "a very popular gay beach".
To say it's in Byron bay would be wrong. Deceiving even. I and Danny walked. And we walked for two hours. A lovely little beach with almost no people. If it was worth it? Of course!
Would I do it again? Absolutely... With a car.
I love the walks, i love the waves and I really love the fact that we tomorrow decided to leave for a Macadamia farm to work a bit. Three days of quiet time and some nut picking.
I know that our situation is a little bit tense, but dont really care. There's something about the beaches that calms your nerves.
Our trip hasn’t really been easy. It hasn’t been what we expected.
In Thailand the currency went up the roof, when we got to Oz it was fire in Victoria and the north was flooded. And now there's a cyclone up on Frasier Island. And btw... it was a shark around the swimming competition in Sydney today. I LOVE AUSTRALIA!
I know it's going to get easier. But right now it's not really easy to see that.
But for today... of course I manage to get us a ride back home. And that my friend... is the gay way to do the walkabout!

I am Charlie! Hear me roar!

Satisfaction

Satisfaction is like a beautiful creation from Balenciaga that you desire and crave, but rarely have the chance to lay eyes on. My way to satisfaction is a long and winding road. My way to satisfaction seems to go all around the world and back to Sweden.
What I didn’t knew when I left home was that I was going to miss it that much. But I do…
I miss my nephew, my family and my friends. But most of all I miss the easy living.
Yesterday it was Mardi Gras and I never saw a party like that. Thousands of men walking the streets in drag, leather, feathers or naked. A party bigger than I’ve ever seen. And it all was to celebrate our way of life.
I’m loving life. But I hope it’s getting easier soon.
I don’t make illusions… but sometimes it’s hard not to dream of a better situation.
I never felt so naïve as I have done this trip. My behavior, my choices… Naïve.
We came to Byron bay today. A beach as long as your eyes can see, a small town and a lot of surfers. Everybody seems to think that life is so easy. That all you need is a board, some weed and a campervan.
I don’t work like that. I don’t have any money. What I do have is a pair of legs. And they can walk… I want to walk. I want to be satisfied…

I am Charlie… This is my breakdown.

Time in a box

When time becomes unimportant, something that’s not real. When it becomes one of those trees you see flying by outside the window when you’re sitting on a train… When it doesn’t matter if you leave you’re bed in the morning or if you have a job to go to.
That’s when you start to questioning you’re existence. When you start wondering… is this real? And what is my purpose.
If I’m depressed? Hell no! In one way it’s liberating just shutting down your mind for a moment of time. Say hey man… I am taking a break from life.
But is it healthy?

At this time I’ve been sick laying in my bed for three days looking at the sealing with no thoughts what so ever, kind of looked at movies even if I didn’t really saw them and been sitting on the toilet.
Sitting on the toilet can be one of the most boring things you can do when you go there about fifteen times a night and about the double during the day.
Thoughts that crossed my mind during one of these times:

What if someone saw me right now?
Am I sitting the right way?
Is this a weird smell?
What is Angelina wearing on the academy awards.
How long have I been in here?
Can they hear me?

I’m feeling better now. A lot better. I can sit up, I can eat, and I can talk to people without sounding like a dying sad little crack whore. But I have still not left the apartment in like three or four days. Have hardly been talking to anybody and for sure haven’t been thinking for a second.

Time for me right now is an illusion, something that doesn’t matter. It don’t really matter which city I’m in. Which month it is or what time it is..
Time is something that slipped away… I just don’t care.
We live in our own little fantasy world. Me, Danny, Maria and Anna. We and the boys here are living here in our apartment in the centre of Sydney doing nothing. Cocking dinner, sleeping, watching movies…
Our own fantasy… nobody cares about jobs. Nobody cares about money. About anything.
About time.

I’ve lost track of time.

Nothing really matters!

Someone said to me in Asia that nothing really matters. That made no sense to me at all… In my life everything matters.
The money is about to run out. We have no jobs and there are not really any jobs to get here in the city. Everyone here is running around, looking for something to do. Looking for a purpose.
Our days here at the moment are filled with DVD watching, pasta, coffee and reading books. And everything takes place in our shared little apartment.
The air con makes my body feel heavy, dehydrated. Makes me feel weak.

So today we woke up from our cave and went out. Sitting in Darling harbour, talking about our situation actually made everything better. The fresh air made me think clearly and suddenly it made sense.
Nothing really matters. If we spend our money having fun and get broke we just go fruit picking. If we don’t get jobs at the harvest trail we go further up north. If we can’t make it there we just go home. It doesn’t matter what happens. It’s no point of spending your days traveling worrying about things you can’t control. So from now on I’m not going to worry anymore.
As my friend once said…

Nothing matters. Nothing really matters.

My head is empty!

I feel like a massive floating head. A heavy head that's floating around with no purpose what so ever...

I feel like the crazy girl that just walked over the street on Taylor square screaming after her unborn child!

I am a head.

I am Charlies head in a box! Remember.. life's a box of chocolate.. and it's soon to be empty.

I am Charlie, this is my head! This is how I see my life!

New life, new city.

When you move to a city with the intention of not just visiting but to live there, it’s something strange happening with the way you live your life.
Back home it’s not really hard to do nothing. To wait for the weekend to pass so you can go to the bank and arrange your account, get your tax number…
I’m walking the streets of Sydney with no plan, with no idea of what I’m actually doing here. I love it.. I love the vibe of the city. But I have no idea..
As a regular tourist you spend your day walking around looking at things.. Doing exciting stuff like spending money on a festival, going on a boat trip to look at dolphins, climb a mountain or drink martinis on a rooftop bar with no spending limit. You have a certain amount of days to have the best time in your life…
I have a certain amount of time to start my life until my money runs out.
I didn’t come here to be a tourist; I came to start a life. To live here like I lived back home.

But when I was without work back home I enjoyed staying home in my apartment doing nothing. Go for a coffee with friends. Here… It’s not really the same.
It’s not really the same when you’re staying in a guesthouse with five other people in the same room. When you don’t have your friends around or when you don’t know when your next paycheck will come.
At any time I might be forced to leave this place. Forced to pack my bags and move yet again. Move to the cold and to familiar place I call home.
I’m not ready to go home… not yet.
So I keep wandering the streets with no clue. Because right now I’d rather do that here, than back in Gothenburg.
Nothing ever lasts…

This is Charlies roaring insides. This is my panic. It’s all happening!