Midsummer

It hurts to be alone.
Sometimes you dont realize it.
Sometimes you just block it out. But it does. It hurts. It´s that feeling who tells you it´shard to get up in the morning, who makes you feel tired in the middle of the day. It´s that feeling who makes you feel lost without even notice it.

Tomorrow´s midsummer and I dont even know how to celebrate it. It´s been a long way home and finally I´m actually home. I have my job back. My apartment. But why does it feel like it doesn´t matter?
I think I lost myself somewhere. I never had any problems with being on my own. Always liked to have my own time and myself to take care of.

It hurts to be alone. And I dont even know why I feel it.

I am Charlie. I am the circle that doesn´t lead anywhere. I am happy in every fucking aspect you can ever imagine. This is the dark side of a happy smile. I am me.

Comunication

There´s a small little café in Gothenburg called Doppio..
There is were I find myself sitting the most days of my life at home. It feels safe. It´s like Switzerland. It´s neutreal.
I feel a little bit lost and then it´s nice to be somewhere that feels like home. But I think everything is going the right way. When I came home I felt I was gliding down in a big black hole. I´m still there.
I was in Thailand a few yeasrs ago and was living in a bungalow up in the trees. In the middle of the night I woke up by a weird sound. There was a scratching sound on the roof like claws trying to get a grip. Then something that sounded like a really horny cat, really loud. Meeeaaaooooow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Probably a monkey but I could hear it go down, down and then it was quiet.
Going down my black hole I felt like the monkey.. I was the monkey.
But like Curious George I´m climbing my way back up again. One dirty hand at the time.

One of my biggest issues right now is peoples lack of comunication. What the fuck is wrong with people?!
Two of my friends got dumped during this year. With no warning, after having a perfectly good relationship. You dont tell someone how much you love them, how you want to meet their mother and then sneak in to the apartment the day after grabbing your stuff and text your boyfriend Hasta la vista baby it´s over.
You dont crawl up in the sofa, have a cozy night home and at the end of the night tell her you dont love her anymore.
What´s wrong with saying I´m not sure about this can we take a break? Or, I´m having second thoughts about this, in a good situation. What´s wrong with talking about stuff?
When something irritates me I at least text people asking what´s wrong. Have a little heart and answer for god sakes!
And if you´re having problems with comunicating your feelings and do break up with the one you apparently didn´t love. Why do you start comunicate after the break up?
Make up your fucking mind! It´s a war.

Maybe I´m not ready to come out of my hole yet. Maybe I should stay down here a bit and just breath.
I am Charlie. This is my hole, and I´m starting to love it. It´s summer in Charlieland.
Come join the evolution! Stop being stupid!

I want my life back

All the glorious emotions I felt when I came back home and all the joy I felt in sitting on safe ground suddenly disappeared under my feet.
It´s not that anything actually have changed in my beatutiful hometown. It´s more the feeling of not being a part of it.
Since I came home nothing that I´ve done has been the home that I knew. My worries of working, stressing out and sleeping. None of those things are the stuff you really want to do when you just got back from a half a year trip.
I want to meet friends, sit in cafés talking shit about Lindsey Lohan and drink beer with my flatmates late into the night bragging about who has seen the biggest penis yet.
I´m not there yet. I don´t have an apartment. I don´t have any money.
I don´t have a reason to be here.
Someone once wrote:
"To come home should be a schlager, but maybe home can never be a place as long as you are alone, maybe in the end home is a person who makes you beautiful, who you can and want to make beautiful..."
I am beautiful. I am alone.
Where do I lay my hat at the end of my day?

Nothing in school prepared me for these kinds of questions. Nothing in my life so far has taught me how to handle a sitiuation of confusion like this.
I know how to talk to a drunk person while pouring up a dry Martini, how to remember a whole manuscript and the basics in ballet.
But my own neurotic feelings and emotions?
Anxiety is not a good feeling. I dont even know if it is a feeling.
Are you scared? I am scared.. If I sound a bit confused? Yes! I am a little bit confused!
Life is a tricky buisness. I had a life in Gothenburg. I want it back!

This is my Gothenburg! Remember.. I am Charlie. Welcome to my brain.

Home

It’s spring time. It’s sunny. It’s my first coffee in my favorite café.
It’s my first day in six month at home, in my own hometown.
We decided to go back home. Decided that it was time.
I had a feeling that I wanted to go back home and set things straight. Take responsibility and start a life. I’m not that sure about it anymore.

With the dying breath of our accounts and some serious ticket hunting we bought tickets from Brisbane to Bangkok, and Bangkok to Stockholm.
We wished for a smooth trip but forgot about the bad karma that had followed us through the whole trip.
We missed our connection flight to Sydney, we ran through the airport to different counters about ten times, we screamed at an evil Quantas woman and we ended up going back to Brisbane before going to Bangkok.
And let me say that even if the waterfights during Sonkran in Bangkok was wicked and so much fun… of course it was a riot and a curfew in Bangkok while being there.
I take all of this as a sign that I should stay home for a while. That it’s time to let my poor little bag rest for a bit.
But that’s kind of hard when you get offered a job in Thailand in your favorite place in the world.

A few things I learned on Koh Chang while working in Sunflower:

Never say no to a one year old girl.
How to count in thai.
And how to say male masturbation in thai.

I’m not sad to be back home. I’m actually a bit relieved. It feels safe, relaxed and a little bit boring.
I love the spring in Gothenburg. I love walking to my regular café having my daily latte. I love being here. I love being home.

I am Charlie. This is Gothenburg. This is my home.

Sometimes it doesn’t turn out the way you’ve planned it

I always picture things in my head. How my life is going to turn out. How people will react to me going away. How my new job is going to be like.
I have a clear picture in my head of everything I do. I had a clear picture in my head of my trip.
It didn’t turn out that way. It didn’t even come close to the painting I had in mind. God hates me and karma fucked me in all ways you can possibly get fucked!
But isn’t that how it supposed to be. You expect things to be in a certain way. And then everything turns and you have a good story to tell when you’re sitting with your friends drinking a cold beer.
I think I’m quite satisfied at the moment. I think everything is going to turn out great. But the way there has been a journey through hell and back.
It’s been fun! It’s been great!

This is the world I am living in. This is Charlieland.

Stanthorpe

Stanthorpe.
Texas.
Mora.
I’m sitting in Stanthorpe on the guesthouse drinking hot water with honey. I can imagine that this is how Nicole Richie felt when she was in rehab.
It’s quiet, calm and absolutely nothing to do. It’s Saturday and there’s no one around.
We went out to a farm to pick some apples and save some money to keep on traveling. Everybody said that it was going to be so hard. That it was going to be such a shit job. But working for a week I must admit that it wasn’t really that bad. Boring? Yes, of course!
But really not that hard. Climbing a ladder, twisting down the apples and lifting it in the bin. I would still be doing it if it wasn’t because of my arm.
That is irony. I went to Australia to travel around a bit and work on farms picking fruit. But when I did it my arm broke down after one day. Irony.
So now I’m sitting with a bad arm in a small town without any money again.

I just realized that I’ve actually done everything I wanted in Australia. Well… I haven’t been to Melbourne yet. But hopefully that’s on its way.
So if I have to go home now I wouldn’t regret missing anything. What I would be feeling bad about is coming home without money, job or an apartment. But I did Sydney, I did Byron bay and I worked with fruit living the cheap life and seen spiders I will never forget.
Now begins the hunt for work again. I’m leaving for Brisbane on Monday. I’m hoping for a bar job or something with coffee. But we will see. Maybe we’ll meet in a bar close by soon.
I am Charlie. My arm is a broken money bag with a hole in it. My arm is a bitch! I am Charlie! This is

A pot of rice and a smile on your face

We arrived in Brisbane tired and broke.
Byron bay was amazing. We ended up on a farm picking macadamia nuts for accommodation. For those who have done that you know it’s not really a fun job crawling around on the ground in the sun scared of snakes and spiders. But with a little bit of luck we didn’t have to do that for to many hours a day. It was boring as hell out on the farm but I can say that it was a beautiful place to take it easy on. But seriously…
After three days with no internet, no tv, no people, no store, no nothing not even a little red ball to play with you start to go a little bit insane. I’m obviously not a farmer!
And how desperate are we? We walked two hours on the highway just to get a cup of coffee in Byron bay. Then walked back when the sun went down. Again very beautiful… But have you ever felt that fear when the heart stops beating and you can feel a little bit of poo in your pants? When tears start to come and prairie dogging is the least of your problems?
I’ve seen the biggest spider in my life! And a lot of them! Don’t walk near bushes in the outback evening time in Australia! It was the size of a walnut and with legs like baby fingers. And that’s not even really the outback by the way. Can’t imagine what creatures I would see there.
I can still hear the screaming late at night when I’m laying in bed.
Because of our money situation we can’t afford the best food. We can’t afford anything really. So we eat like one cup of rice with soy and maybe some tuna a day. If I’m not thin and fit when I go home I’m going to get fat instead!

Today I and Anna split up. Felt weird. She got a job as an apple picking person. Apparently guys are less desirable right now so Danny and I are going to wait here for a job. Changing travel partner in the middle of the trip feels strange. I don’t think either of us really expected that.
I’m really in a good mood. Finally I don’t really care if I have to go home. And I’ve had so much fun on this trip. It’s a good feeling when you feel like you’ve grown during being away from home. When you realize you love the city you live in and that it’s time to actually start to build yourself a home.
I’m ready for anything right now except studying. Because I don’t know what to study. But I’m ready!

Don’t let the man get you down!
I am Charlie’s beautiful body in a boring city. I am ready!